Dropping Your Defenses

Written by Gary Chapman

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

We all get defensive from time to time, but left unchecked, defensiveness can stifle communication and erode intimacy in marriage.

One woman, for example, told me, “I was looking forward to a romantic evening with my husband until he looked up from the table where he was balancing the checkbook and said, ‘If you don’t stop spending so much money, we’re going to have to file bankruptcy.’ I became livid. Then all my thoughts about a romantic evening flew right out the window. We spent the next 30 minutes arguing, and then I stalked off and cried myself to sleep.”

All of us experience emotional defensiveness, but it need not be destructive. Defensive emotions are like those little red lights on the dashboard of a car. They call for our attention, seeking to inform us of something that needs to be serviced.

In fact, defensiveness can lead to more meaningful communication and deeper intimacy when a couple deals honestly with their defensive reactions. These steps can help you turn defensive responses into opportunities for growth in your marriage:

1. Get to the root of the problem. Defensiveness is rooted in emotions. Sometimes these emotions are easy to identify, making defensiveness easy to understand. Some emotions, though, are deeply buried, and defensiveness seems to be out of proportion to the issue. Trivial issues mask deeper, more troublesome issues, often those left over from childhood and now surfacing in the marital relationship.

To get to the root of your defensive behavior, withdraw from the situation and ask, “Why did I get so defensive about that?” Write the answers that come to mind. Your immediate responses will most likely focus on the surface issues.

Then ask, “What happened in my childhood or adolescence that may be related to my present reactions?” If your defensive reaction is extremely strong, it’s almost always rooted in childhood or adolescent experiences. Discovering the emotional roots of defensiveness isn’t difficult, but it does require conscious reflection.

2. Learn from your defensiveness. To determine what you can learn about yourself from a defensive reaction, focus on the event itself, answering the following questions:
• What emotions did I feel when I responded defensively?
• What message did my spouse’s statement communicate to me?
• What did my response communicate to my spouse?
• What did my response reveal about me? (Your reflections on the roots of your defensiveness will help.)

Next, focus on the larger aspects of your marriage that may be related to your defensive behavior. These questions may be helpful:
• What attitudes do I have toward my spouse that may explain my defensive behavior?
• Do I see my spouse as inferior intellectually?
• Do I see my spouse as passive or aggressive or controlling?
• Do I sense that my spouse has failed me in some way?
• If I could ask my spouse to change a behavior or verbal message, what would I ask?
• What other aspects of my marriage may have influenced my response?

Answering these questions will help you begin to learn from your defensive reaction, while ignoring the issue sets you up to repeat it later.

3. Discuss the issues. After you’ve learned what you can about yourself and your reactions, call a “let’s be honest” discussion with your spouse.

The most important thing is that both of you listen to each other. You may want to use the prayer of St. Francis: “May I seek to understand rather than to be understood.” If both of you seek to understand, you will be understood.

You might request a conversation by saying, “I realize that last night I got defensive when … . I really want to learn from that experience. I think I have some insights, and I’d like to share them with you and get your feedback.” During the conversation, speak for yourself by using “I” statements. (“I want to learn better ways to express myself when I get defensive, but I also hope you’ll try to understand me so we can continue growing together.”) Then express your insights. Share the experiences that you think are tied to the current incident and the manner in which you found your mate’s behavior to threaten your self-identity. If you’re on the receiving end of an honest conversation initiated by your spouse, remember that your responsibility is to listen sympathetically.

4. Explore change. Now that each of you better understands the defensive behavior, it’s time to explore ways of relating to each other in a more constructive way.

As you discover each other’s emotional hot spots and realize that these are related to your spouse’s self-esteem, you will be motivated to find new ways of expressing yourself that aren’t threatening. If you’re the one experiencing the defensive behavior, you may suggest to your spouse what you think would help in future situations. You might say, “When you start sentences with ‘You should,’ I feel like you’re acting like my father or God and that I’m your child. Intellectually, I know that’s not what you’re doing, but that’s what I feel. In the future if you want me to do something, could you say, ‘I think it would be helpful to me if you would ...’?”

Also, learn to make requests rather than demands. The following will likely stimulate defensive feelings: “If you don’t clean those gutters soon, they’re going to fall off the house.” Your spouse is far less likely to become defensive if you make a more positive request: “Do you think it would be possible for you to clean the gutters this weekend?”

Don’t condemn yourself or your spouse for having defensive emotional responses, but seek to learn something from each experience by discussing them openly and lovingly. If you do, you’ll find they begin to occur less frequently. The more deeply you feel that your spouse is with you, that he believes in you, that he values you, the less defensive you will be.

And as you affirm your own worth and the worth of your partner, you’re obeying one of the two greatest commandments: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).

Gary Chapman, Ph.D., is the author of the bestselling Five Love Languages series. He directs marriage seminars throughout the country and regularly counsels couples. He and his wife, Karolyn, have been married more than 35 years and have two adult children.

This article is adapted from Covenant Marriage: Building Communication and Intimacy by Gary Chapman. Used by permission of Broadman & Holman Publishers.

Questions Smart Stepparents Ask

Written by Sharon Petty

This article is courtesy of Living with Teenagers.

If you’re a stepparent helping a teen walk through the transition of a blended family, ask yourself a tough question: Am I a benevolent dictator or a resourceful teacher? There’s a huge difference, and the parenting style you choose dramatically impacts the relational health of your blended family.

Parenting like a dictator (even a benevolent one) creates a battle of wills. It does not matter if you’re struggling with a teenager who shares your DNA or one with whom you are blending—no one wins on this battlefield. But if you choose to be a teacher you position yourself as a valuable resource, and that requires the ability to walk in the shoes of your teen.

Remember how harrowing it was to be caught between the world of a child and the world of a young adult? A resourceful teacher keeps this in mind and guides a teenager with honesty, grace, and lots of patience. Inevitably your teen will make mistakes along the way (just as you did). Some matters will require discipline, but others will not. Carefully choose your battles and offer judgment and criticism sparingly.

The Trust Factor
A resourceful blended family teacher taps into one of the greatest felt needs of teenagers: adults who trust them and who can be trusted. Building trust is a complicated process within a blended family, but it can be done.

Since trust begins with a relationship, getting to know your teenager as an individual is paramount. You might be tempted to assume that a teen blending into your new family will accept you at face value, that she will naturally know how much you are trustworthy. But most teenagers struggle with transparency, and they only learn to trust over time. It’s likely your teenager will not trust you until she’s convinced you care about her as an individual. Just as she may have to prove herself to you, you must prove yourself to her as well.

Cultivating a trusting relationship begins with simply understanding the individuality of your teenager. Ask yourself the following questions, which are key stepping stones to relationship building:
• What personality type does my teenager have?
• What are her favorite pastimes, favorite foods, favorite activities?
• What are her favorite subjects in school (or does she even like school)?
• Who is her best friend and why?

Perhaps the most important relational question a blended family parent must ponder is this:
 • What is my teen’s love language? Is it words of affirmation; physical touch; quality time; acts of service; or gifts? Knowing what makes your teen feel loved is the key to a true heartfelt connection. (The Five Love Languages of Teenagers by family expert Dr. Gary Chapman can help you discover your teen’s unique language and learn how to speak it fluently.

Relational discovery doesn’t end with the knowledge of your teen’s love language. In addition, you’ll need to consider a new set of questions:
 • What does my teenager fear most about being in a blended family?
 • How can this blended family best help her reach her goals?
 • What can I do to help her mature into a healthy adult?

The answers to these questions can be harder to come by, but knowing your teen’s love language and working toward building trust can help open up lines of communication with your teen and bridge  the relational gaps so common to families in the blending process.

The Discipline Factor
Setting rules for discipline and authority represents a major challenge in a blended family. This is one area where the elements of trust and being a resourceful teacher (instead of a dictator) are paramount.

Work with your spouse to establish basic ground rules and expectations for your teenager’s behavior. Work as a team to identify, discuss, and resolve problems as they arise. Concerns should be brought by both parents in a non-confrontational setting. A comfortable setting helps eliminate the impression that you’re launching an organized assault.

As you work toward a resolution, give your teenager the opportunity to speak on her behalf, but not to the point of creating an argument or verbally attacking either parent. She also should be given the freedom to discuss possible alternatives, understanding that you as parents have the final say.

With this approach, your teen learns how to handle conflict in a mature and respectful manner. She also learns how to be a part of a team, which is vital to a healthy blended family.

The most important underlying factor in the complicated blended family paradigm is that all members of your new family have a voice. And those voices are most clearly heard, when you, the ever resourceful teacher, cultivate a Christlike atmosphere of trust and respect.

Sharon Petty works in the area of management care. She has been in the medical field for 30 years.
 

"I’m Tired of You”

Written by Rodney & Selma Wilson

This article is courtesy of HomeLife.

An elderly couple who had been married forever were sitting on their front porch, rocking. Reflecting on their years together, the wife turned to her husband and tenderly said, “I’m proud of you.” The husband, who was a bit hard of hearing, looked at his wife and abruptly replied, “Well, I’m tired of you, too!”

Whether they’ve been married a few years or many, sometimes couples grow weary in their marriage. Some call it “falling out of love” and see it as a legitimate way out. Others simply refer to it as burnout.

Pause and Reflect
If you can relate, don’t panic. Many couples go through a time when things just don’t click with their mates. It is, however, a time to pause and rethink your relationship.

Spend some time alone with your Bible and a journal. Read familiar passages on love and marriage. (Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13 are great places to start.) Reflect on the positive aspects of your marriage, recalling special moments you’ve shared with your mate, and write down one-word descriptions of your marriage. Above all, seek the Lord’s perspective. Ask Him to help you see your marriage as He does.

Talk It Over
In a low-key, non-threatening way, discuss with your mate how you feel. Don’t accuse. Putting him or her on the defensive would be counterproductive. Simply share what you’re feeling. Your journal entries might come in handy at this point.

If the timing is right, ask your mate for a response. He or she might not be surprised by your feelings and may want to share personal perspective on the marriage, too.

This conversation allows you to get a critical issue on the table for discussion. It’s not the beginning of the end. Rather, it’s a starting point of a new chapter of your marriage. Give your mate time to ponder and process the situation before meeting again.

Pray for Wisdom
In the meantime, continue to seek the Lord. These are potentially life-changing and marriage-changing issues. The Lord’s wisdom is vital.

Don’t pray that God would show your spouse how much he or she needs to change and how right you are. Instead, pray about yourself: Lord, you know my feelings about our marriage are not the same as they have been. I’m tired, and I’m asking you to show me what I can do to make this marriage better. What is my part on the way back to a passionate marriage? Keep your journal handy because God will answer such a humble prayer!

Back to School
It’s time to become a student again — this time of your spouse. One of the best ways to learn about your mate is to ask and answer questions. Begin with these ideas:
• What’s your idea of the all-time best marriage date?
• For the wife: Give five examples of what you mean by romance.
• For the husband: Give five examples of what you mean by respect.
• Visit www.fivelovelanguages.com and click on “30-Second Assessment” to take the Love Languages quiz (or read the book together). Share with each other how you prefer to have love expressed to you.
• Fill in the blank: The three words that describe how I would like our marriage to be are __________________, ___________________, and ___________________.

Work separately, then meet together to share your responses. Ask follow-up questions. Then concentrate on what you can do to serve your mate. Ask God to show you how to be a better mate. Re-learning and re-serving can go a long way toward changing your attitude and adding energy to your relationship.

Depending on your situation, you and your mate may need to seek a competent, Christian counselor to provide additional assistance. If needed, don’t hesitate. It could literally save your marriage.

Getting tired in your marriage is not an insurmountable trial. On the contrary, James 1:2-4 says it this way: “Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

Marriage is a lifetime deal that requires work. Press on through the trial of burnout, and let God take your marriage to a new level of completeness.

Rodney and Selma Wilson are the authors of Extraordinary Marriage: God’s Plan for Your Journey (LifeWay). For their 30th wedding anniversary, they bought each other bicycles and thoroughly enjoy cruising through their neighborhood and the greenways of Middle Tennessee.

It's a Pleasure Waiting on You'

Written by Rebecca Ingram Powell

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (BP)--"It's been a pleasure waiting on you," the young blonde waitress announced as she handed us our checks. As she flitted away, my son David looked at me incredulously and asked, "Was she serious?"

Between David and his cousin Ethan, our waitress surely had grown weary of asking us, "Is everything alright?" because it never was! These guys needed more syrup, another pancake, more milk, butter, silverware, extra napkins -- you name it. It certainly had been a pleasure eating with them, but I doubt it was a pleasure waiting on them. They were sweet, but they were needy.

Our perky waitress managed to keep a smile on her face in spite of their multiple requests. It made me wonder if I wait on my beloved family as graciously as that young woman waited on a table full of strangers. Nobody's tipping me, of course, but that's beside the point.

Middle schoolers, especially, are sweet but needy. It seems that, one way or another, we're waiting on them. We wait for them to get their homework done, to finish looking in the refrigerator and close the door, to get off the phone, to get out of the bathroom. We wait at school, music lessons and team practices. As a parent, it's easy to think of those times of waiting as fruitless, amounting to nothing. After all, what are we really accomplishing while we wait on our kids?

My dad is a great wait-er. Although at 6'4" he is a far cry from the petite blond waitress, my dad can wait with the best of them. When I was in middle school, my dad was always there, waiting on me at school, piano lessons and doctor appointments. Back then I never considered that Daddy might have had something else to do. It didn't occur to me that his serving as my chauffeur and a taxi cab service for my friends wouldn't have been the most important part of his day. Now I realize that my dad, a busy pastor, had plenty to do -- yet he always made me feel like it had been a pleasure waiting on me.

Dads have a unique opportunity to show their children what the heavenly Father's love looks like, even as Christ, being made a servant, showed us. Christ, who left the warmth and comfort of his divine home, came to dwell among us. He came to serve us. He came to wait on us. Still today, He waits for us as we tackle our busy schedules and chatter with our friends, hardly giving a thought to the Presence that sits at the wheel charting our course, dodging oncoming traffic and capably steering us to our next destination. Incredibly, it is His pleasure to wait on us: not-so-sweet but oh-so-needy us.

Riding the bus home from school one rainy afternoon, I was not looking forward to the wet walk from the corner all the way down to my house. As the bus approached the corner stop, however, I saw my Daddy's tall frame standing there, holding an umbrella. I remember my heart swelling as I realized in that moment the truth of what he was doing. I caught a glimpse of the multitude of sacrifices he had been making for me all my life. He was getting wet so that I could stay dry. He left the warmth and comfort of our home in order to walk down to the bus stop and be there providing shelter for me. I leaped off the bus all smiles, grabbing my dad in a big hug. The wet walk I had been dreading turned into a precious path home. My daddy was waiting on me. And nobody was tipping him.

Rebecca Ingram Powell is a pastor's wife, mother of three and nationally known author and speaker. More ideas for connecting with your kids are in her latest book, Season of Change: Parenting Your Middle Schooler with Passion and Purpose . Visit www.rebeccapowell.com for more information.

If You See One Movie This Year...

Written by Dwayne Hastings

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (BP)--I am not a film critic. If it weren't for our children, Blockbuster would have recalled my membership card years ago for non-usage. In fact, my wife and I hardly ever go to the movie theater.

Yet in the case of the movie "Fireproof," I will throw caution to the wind and share my opinion.

Fireproof, the Sept. 26 movie release from Samuel Goldwyn Films and Provident Films, may not have a star-studded cast, but it has a sterling plot. Well-known actor Kirk Cameron stars in the film as a fireman who risks life and limb to rescue strangers but who finds himself increasingly distanced from his wife. The movie's plot mirrors real life where, among many segments of the population, news that a friend is getting a divorce is regarded as not really news at all -- just another stage of life.

In some way or another, I believe every married person who views this movie will see a little part of themselves on the big screen -- something they've done, said or thought in the course of their marriage. And every single person contemplating holy matrimony will be well-served by viewing the film.

Many movies keep you at arm's length, either by your choice or the director's design. With Fireproof, it's as if you are one of the cast. In fact, by the end of the film you'll be reaching up to see if your eyebrows are singed and then dabbing your moist eyes with your sleeve.

Yet as powerful and exciting as this movie is, and it is, the more amazing story is the story of Sherwood Baptist Church. The church is not in Atlanta, Orlando or even Dallas-Fort Worth, but Albany, Ga. Population 164,000.

Reportedly there were only eight professionals on the set of this movie. But you could say there were 1,200 extras, because that's how many church members volunteered to make this movie a success.

It's not business as usual for Sherwood Baptist; they're not content to play church. This is the kind of church that Jesus was speaking of when He said the gates of hell would not prevail against it (Matthew 16:18).

This will be a life-changing movie for many who see it. While it may not garner a mention at the Academy Awards, suffice it to say that's not why the folks at Sherwood Baptist produced the film.

It's clear this movie was made to restore and save marriages by looking to scriptural truths, not to make money. (Although, the success of this movie will certainly open the door for the resources to fund more films in the future.)

And with an apology to those who normally produce "Christian" movies, this isn't your typical movie by a bunch of well-meaning Christians. This film certainly glorifies Christ and it isn't short on God-centric moments, but the acting and the production is top-shelf.

Many movies spin off useless trinkets and products. Yet a small book, used as a "plot device" in Fireroof, is more than a promotional gimmick for the movie.

The Love Dare, from B&H Publishing Group, has much more than a cameo role in the film. Developed for the movie and written by the movie's co-writers, brothers Stephen and Alex Kendrick, this 40-day challenge to develop authentic love in marriage (the kind that honors God, not the kind of "love" depicted in most other films) already is in its sixth printing. The book, currently 28th in book sales on amazon.com, is the tool God uses to minister to Caleb and Catherine Holt in the film.

More than 5,000 people were introduced to Jesus Christ through Sherwood Baptist's last film, Facing the Giants -- at least that's the approximate number of e-mails the church received in which individuals attested to such a monumental change in their lives. I can't imagine the number of people and marriages that will be changed for the better by this film. And it's not the movie that will be doing the changing; it's the Spirit of God that permeates this production.

As it is sometimes said, if you can only see one movie this year, see this movie. Your marriage may depend upon it.

Don't wait for Fireproof to come out on DVD. Go to fandango.com (or take your chances at the box office) right now and buy your tickets. I promise you that you and your spouse will be very glad you did.

Dwayne Hastings is a vice president with the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission.